Lavs and lav nots
Of all the airplane lavatory myths, the ones about the giant sucking sounds are the most … odorous.
For example, the intense whoosh emanating from the WC at cruising altitude is not the jettisoning of waste. It’s the sound of a toilet delivering the cargo to its final destination: the septic tanks.
And no one has ever gotten stuck on the crapper because of the resulting vacuum. That’s an urban legend. (Think about it — have you ever created an airtight seal around a toilet seat? Didn’t think so.)
But seriously, no one bothers to give much thought to the airline
facilities. And I think they should.
I’d say the biggest problems with the lavs are the lines of people waiting to use them. There is what we call “rush hour traffic” for the toilets. Those times are: after take-off, after the meal, after the movies and right before landing. Those would be the times to avoid — if humanly possible.
Here are 10 pieces of potty wisdom, collected from years of experience as a flight attendant.
1. If possible, use the restrooms in the airport terminal before you board an airplane. They are roomier, more modern, and a much better option than being forced to follow a big man holding a Sunday newspaper.
2. Wear something on your feet at all times. Men with a bad aim are all
too common. I can’t tell you how many people walk into these cubicles with bare feet. You may drink bottled water, eat low-fat meals, and keep in shape, but why would you walk around in sewage?
3. If you have been waiting a while and no one emerges, inform a flight attendant. Someone could be in trouble or more likely the flight attendant forgot to unlock it after take-off. I admit that I have done that a few times.
4. If one or more lavs are broken and lines are long, then the
remaining restrooms become available to everyone. Ask the flight attendant to permit usage of restrooms in all service classes.
5. Avoid rush hour, and the increasing agony of a protracted wait.
6. Do your thing and get out; people will be very thankful. Don’t start a makeover or new book.
7. Check the seal between the door and the lock. I caught a little boy intensely staring into the door. When I investigated I found he was staring at a young woman removing her bodysuit. Be careful, this happens more than you think.
8. Obey the fasten seat belt sign, but — and I do mean butt — when you gotta go, you gotta go. Although we can not give you permission, we cannot stop you if you are insistent, and we sure don’t want to spend the remainder of the flight dealing with your little accident on the seat.
9. Be courteous, and help out the people behind you. If you made a
mess, clean it up. At the very least don’t forget to flush. Every little bit helps.
10. If you are at the window seat and the people beside you get up, by all means do the same. Murphy’s Law has it that if you don’t, as soon as they sit back down, you will feel that urge.
I read the other day that one of the Asian airlines is planning to upgrade their first class lavatories. This will include windows, soft lighting and classical music. Why would any one want to ever come out? The lines will be astronomical, but I can just hear the publicity now:
Come Fly with us, it will be a truly moving experience.
Or how about:
Fly our airline, the only airline to provide you with a, “Poo with a View”.
Whether we like it or not, with long flights come dirty toilets, because of bad aims, confusing amounts of different toiletry papers and hygiene. It’s bound to get a bit messy.
Flight attendants will attend to general tidying from time to time, and even on a couple of Asian airlines they have one crewmember whose main purpose is lavatory cleaning. Sounds good, right?
Let’s talk honestly, folks, do you want someone serving you lunch, who just got off of lav duty? Think about it.
Some female flight attendants pride themselves on the fact that they don’t actually sit down on the toilet seat. They have perfected (almost) the art of hovering. So don’t always blame the men for the bad aims.
Pilots on some planes even demand a private restroom. I know many
crewmembers that refuse to use the toilet for a certain bodily function, and one of them actually hurt herself delaying the inevitable too long.
It’s getting way out of hand. All you need to do is wipe the seat clear with a paper towel and then use a seat liner. Let’s not get all blocked up over matters.
This is one necessary function that we all share, if we all approach this personal subject with a little humor and consideration, I guarantee that it will truly be a smoother move for all of us. (Pun intended.)