No, and I’m sorry
No. Nein. Nix. Nyet. Nope. Nuh-unh. No way. Not gonna happen.
“No: An interjection used to indicate a negative response in order to refuse, deny or disagree with something.”
There should be a cross-reference: “See Airline.”
Many years ago, an airline ad said, “Our stewardesses never say ‘No’. Well, almost never.” And not so long ago, when I went through training for my first job as a flight attendant, we were told that the word “No” should be removed from our vocabulary. This instruction would bring on the usual promiscuity jokes, but it was reinforced throughout our training. There was always a way around that abrupt refusal to help: responses like “I will see what I can do,” and “How about … instead” or “Let me check on that.”
Sadly, this tradition of willing service and gentle dissembling has disappeared from the no-longer-so-friendly skies.
In fact, considering the financial mess most airlines are facing, I’m surprised they haven’t rented out the back of employee uniforms to advertisers. Actually, some airlines do put badges on their flight attendants saying chipper things like “We love to fly” and “We are going places.” With all the cutbacks taking place, these flight attendants should just slap a neon badge on their chests with a big, fat “No!” emblazoned on it. I would wear it — that way I could just point to the badge and answer 90 percent of passengers’ questions without ever opening my mouth.
Is there a meal on today’s flight?
No.
Can I have the whole can?
No.
Any pillows or blankets on board?
No.
Are there going to be any empty seats on today’s flight?
No.
Do airline employees have a pension?
No! (Had to get that one in.)
Do you respect your airline?
Uh, let me guess … No?
Well, you get the picture. Most days, I feel like the guy on the Capitol One commercial on TV, except I’m not having that much fun. And, I’m willing to bet, neither are you. Let me ask you some questions.
Is your seat comfortable?
No.
Did you make your connecting flight?
No.
Is it your fault that so many airlines are in financial distress?
No.
Do you like your flight attendant?
No, sorry, not very much.
And no wonder! We tell you what you can’t do, shout at you when you are up and the “Fasten seatbelt” sign is on, and say “No” at least a hundred times a flight. We put on our insult-proof faces, but after full loads and multiple pay cuts our bad attitudes are beginning to show.
Of course, some passengers won’t take “No” for an answer. They are usually lawyers or psychologists of some kind, people who think they can argue it up enough to get a “Yes.”
Can I have a pillow?
No.
Why not?
Because we don’t have any left.
And why is that?
Because the airline is cutting back.
But I had a pillow on a different airline.
Then why are you here?
So, what you’re saying is that I should fly with that other airline?
Yes.
See? In the end, he did get a “Yes.”
As airline management keeps rewarding itself with big bonuses and stock options, I feel very little remorse about saying “No” at the drop of a hat.
Speaking of remorse, here is another phrase that needs reviewing: “I’m sorry.”
When I flew for Pan Am, I used to say I was sorry about 50 times a flight. (Toward the end of Pan Am’s existence, I thought its motto should be changed to “I’m sorry.”) I don’t say “I’m sorry” anymore because heartfelt apologies weigh you down too much. I can’t and no longer will apologize for something that is out of my control.
Many people ask me if I see airline service getting better anytime soon. I look at all the airlines in bankruptcy proceedings and at the rancor that has taken hold in the industry, and once again answer, “No.”
And for that I am sorry.