You’re fired! Top airline dismissals
Fired, laid off, let go, asked to resign, made redundant, got the ax — whatever you want to call it, it’s time to take a number at the unemployment office. But where do you go, exactly, if you have been a pilot, flight attendant or gate agent for 20 years and know nothing else? Wall Street? Wal-Mart? No, most airline employees just line up at the next airline hiring — unless, of course, they were fired for some ridiculously outrageous conduct.
Here are some bizarre examples from the file.
1. On a trans-Atlantic flight, a mother of a 19-month-old toddler became suspicious when she spotted powdery specks floating in her screaming baby’s juice. It turned out to be a sedative called Xanax, which had been added to the juice by a flight attendant. Apparently, he was trying to calm the baby and make it a better flight for the other passengers. Needless to say, he was fired and charges were brought against him.
2. A flight attendant on the way to work phoned in a bomb threat for the flight he was scheduled to work, with the idea of getting the flight canceled so he could attend a party. What is even more idiotic is this: After he got cut off on the first attempt, he called back. He was arrested in the airport parking lot.
3. A male flight attendant was at his boiling point and decided to teach an annoying passenger a lesson. Under his breath he whispered to the passenger, “If you don’t shut up for the remainder of the flight, I am going to kick your ass off this plane and claim you threatened me first.” The passenger was on the airline’s board of directors.
4. Two pilots playing a joke on one of the flight attendants took their clothes off in flight and called the flight attendant up to the cockpit. The wrong flight attendant came up and, let’s just say, did not have the anticipated sense of humor.
5. A gate agent was dealing with an irate passenger who proceeded to insult his mother. It was the last straw, and they came to blows. The gate agent eventually broke the customer’s nose and two ribs, and found himself out of a job.
6. On a layover happy hour, a pilot tried to slip a date-rape drug into the drink of one of his flight attendants, but missed and put it into his own drink instead. After noticing the pilot behaving strangely, an off-duty police officer, who had witnessed the whole event, called for backup and took the pilot away for questioning. Later the police discovered over 200 tablets of the sedative in his room.
7. A flight attendant couldn’t get off work for her 10K race, so she called in sick and ran the race anyway. She won third place in her age division. Unfortunately, the woman she edged out for the prize was her sick-leave supervisor.
8. A flight attendant was in the crowd at David Letterman’s show. When the host came out for an audience skit, he interviewed her. She must have been addled by the spotlight because when she announced what she did for a living and what airline she worked for, she added that her company didn’t like people. Even David Letterman winced. Among the millions of viewers that night was the airline’s CEO, who personally fired her himself.
9. A male flight attendant who worked with me at Pan Am had a bizarre sense of humor. He was known as “The Gasser” because he found it exciting to air his differences in awkward and enclosed environments like cockpits, buses and galleys. I thought the guy was interesting but one of the strangest characters I had ever met. He eventually got fired after he let loose in an airport elevator with the CFO on board. After further analysis of his record, he was given a psychiatric dismissal. In this case, to air was not human.
10. A pilot known as “Don Juan” for his multiple sexual encounters was finally fired for having sex with his chief pilot’s wife. The pilot was on a restroom break with the lady when they were discovered by the husband. How exactly do you explain the situation when the door opens? “This is not what it looks like”?
11. A reservations agent was hoping to fly standby to Hawaii for vacation, but he found all the flights were full. Knowing the computer system pretty well, he booked a whole first class cabin under a fake oil tycoon’s name. He and his wife got first class seats on that flight to Hawaii, but an unemployment notice was waiting for him when he got home.
12. A flight attendant was asked by a popular men’s magazine to pose naked for one of their pictorials. Not wanting to lose her job, she consulted with her union. Apparently, she misunderstood the regulations because she posed in — and out — of her airline uniform, mentioned her airline by name several times, and even added a personal picture of her next to a plane with the airline’s logo in plain sight. She was totally surprised that she was fired and couldn’t imagine why.
13. On a flight from Dallas, a flight attendant produced a note that read, “There is a bomb on board. Long live Saddam.” The flight attendant eventually admitted that she had written the note herself, but didn’t say why.
14. Two flight attendants on a Russian airliner attacked a passenger for accusing them of being drunk. An alcohol test proved that the flight attendants were indeed intoxicated. What? That’s not allowed in Russia?
15. A flight attendant of 25 years developed a nervous twitch after a mechanical mishap affected the wiring for a flight’s call system. Apparently, the call bell went off every three seconds for the whole 12-hour flight. After that incident, every time she heard the sound, she would repeat, “Bing, bing, bing” every three seconds until she reached the passenger and turned off the call button. Her peers found it humorous at first but became worried when she couldn’t stop. She eventually got a permanent psychiatric leave of absence, proving that pinging bells can be hazardous to your health.
That’s all I’ve got for now. Everyone’s dismissed!